Stephanie, send it in.
Come in. Thanks for coming up on such short notice, and, uh, sorry about the mess. I actually saved Mr. Splash for later in the day. I had never seen a water gun fire that hot before, but it was remarkably accurate. Did you know it was a green beret? Anyway, they have a seat. I have a difficult message for you.
Oh jeez, I didn’t think of the tail feathers. You can stand, whatever. You can stand.
So as you know, we are forced to do some pretty substantial things. And, believe me, that’s the least we want to do. We think of everyone who works here as family. But the time comes in any family, when your members have at least recognized the fertile ones, and cut them off from your life forever, and leave them without any means to support themselves, where they are no longer a family. Strangers are the only ones who know about you that you don’t want to make public. Until that very thing. Are you – what are you following?
I suppose I will let you go.
I understand that you have been with us for 50 years, and I want to assure you that we are grateful for everything that you have given to the Baltimore Orioles organization. You have brought happiness and joy to so many people. Unfortunately, it has been established that keeping you on staff would be a suboptimal allocation of resources, because according to a report from this most recent round of consultants – you know, I believe you deserve to know the truth, so I can see my glasses to report this accurately – “Happiness and joy do not command money related. Ka-ching. So our hands are tied.
Chirp.
Hey, there is no reason for enmity! I’m sure you’re frustrated, but I’m doing my job here. I’ve been firing people all day. Photography, graphic designers, salespeople, clerks, food and drink, a whimsical garden with boots. If you think a hot dog vendor is hyped with throwing frankfurters, try and imagine the decibel level when they’re in trouble and whining about how they give the kid medicine or whatever. They have such a heart.
CHEAP
Hold on now. I don’t know if that’s fair. So we are in cost-cutting mode. But we have to endure some difficult times. It’s an awkward time. Do you have any idea how many Rutschman jerseys we have in the Towson warehouse right now? They cost a fortune in storage fees. They also still have the Dean Kremer jersey on the shelf because I can’t even find it. charity as I do
And by the way, who knows when we’ll even play the fool again? There is no option but to lock the players when the CBA expires. I mean, I guess we don’t have to do that We were able to keep everything under the old CBA while we worked out the new one, as usual. A lockout is a trade-off, like in the movie hostage, where the first thing the cops do is take away the power to build only to make life as miserable as possible. Excuse me, where was I?
CHEAP Cheap cheap
That’s right. We don’t really choose here. We’re just trying to get our ducks in a row. Uh, what was unpleasant? No offense. We do not know whether the next time will come, because of circumstances which are the result of our actions, but in a more complete sense completely out of our control. Our only option is to kill everyone whose job it is to own a baseball team that plays baseball. And then, if and when we establish the ball base, we will go back and fill those positions that happen to be absolutely necessary so that this whole thing does not fall.
Your job might just exist again! You will be able to receive it. I mean, you go through the interview process again, of course. Drug test, fitness test, health waiver, loyalty oath, blood ritual. And certainly to get paid. No more benefits. I know you’ve had that thing on your nose for a while – I sure hope it gets better. But yeah, don’t think this is the end. Think of it as a new beginning, plus an extra chance to stock up followed by a huge pay cut.
Tweet.
Of course, before you jump on a rampage on social media, I would advise you to take a look at the no-obscenity disparagement in your view, because it is quite comprehensive. Technically, your nondisclosure agreement says that once you’ve turned in a security sign, you’re not even allowed to open your mouth for six weeks. It probably wouldn’t hold up in court, but what got Mr. Splash so laughable.
Tweet, tweedly-tweet.
First, it’s not even called tweeting anymore. I think it’s called X-ing. I’m not sure. Don’t hold me to that. But I’m not going to try, because I promise you one thing: We sure as hell won’t take off any lawyers. Those pit bulls are still on a leash hungry. If you start spreading malicious rumors about this site – or even worse, accurately describing the working conditions – we will eat your ass for lunch. That came out wrong. The point is, get off social media. Technically, your NDA says you’re not even allowed to list this job on your resume.
I’m sorry. I didn’t want to get this argumentative. You have no idea how annoying this is to me. It is the hardest part of my job. Now that I think about it, maybe your job is even harder. Hmm considering. Then again, you had to deal with those stupid boys all day. God, I bet that was a cannon. What do they even want with your autograph anyway? You are a cool bird. Probably of*the value of the paper that the writer writes in the notches. So anyway, I guess what I can say is that this is the hardest part of my job, but it’s one of the hardest parts of your job, so maybe I should stop and think again about how I feel.
Chirrup?
Completely. They are not bad. I’m sure your feet are the ground. Or I say, I think, not even that which wings. But there are certainly many locals out there who love to hire a bird in baseball. Oh, sorry, you forgot, you need a bottom ball hat. The company of things and everything. Of course, shoes and boots too. And you know it could get worse. Do you know the Braves refer to their HR department as “Human Capital?” Even the consultants thought it was gross, and the last report they turned in said that we should be blocking the spaces in the parking lot in the bear ring. I guess I should be careful.
Remember, it’s not just you. We were fired yes many Great indeed. You are in excellent company. Of course I do to make you feel better. On behalf of the entire organization, I would like to thank you for your service and ask you to leave the premises immediately. You can leave the door open; I have one thing to do.
Stephanie, would you please come in here and have a seat? I have a difficult message for you.